2024 or 2025. Actually, probably 2025. I'm sitting in my car on the way to work, suffering the Monash. It's gray and it is most likely a Tuesday morning, because nothing extraordinary happens on a Tuesday. I'm self-soothing with a true crime podcast, drinking other people's suffering so I don't have to deal with my own grief. It works.

As I listen to the legal jargon, I wish I had known more about court proceedings and systems... I feel a tinge of regret. 

The episode ends and after a minute of shock caused by the confronting truth that cruelty exists in this world, I think about the commute and the early mornings I have to pay to work at my current school. So much time, so much money. At this point the same old narration begins: I need to find a job closer to home. I wish I could drive less everyday.

2026. The end of January and the beginning of a new school year. I am sitting in my car and it is 3:36 on a Thursday afternoon. I have just left my new school and I'm on my way to the horses with an ETA of 3:46. It suddenly hits me - I am right where I wished I was some 8 months (or longer) ago. I am living and doing the things I imagined I would, if only...

The last Sunday of January and I am studying the criminal justice system in preparation for next week's Year 12 classes I will be teaching in Legal Studies. So many thoughts and wishes have been granted: the short commute, the VCE classes, more time on my hand. Things have materialised, but what I'm most proud of is that I have my wits about to notice them - and it makes me feel so satisfied.

I lit a pink candle the other day and I know there are so many more good things on the way. The order of unfolding is prearranged and I just have to sit back and enjoy the journey, because it is effortless. Some four years ago, I wrote it somewhere: relax princess, it is already yours.

Now I have proof.

The state has separated from the church and all of a sudden I was not wasting any more time.

Last minute wild decisions yield more of the same. After Bon Iver, a whole night of light sleeping, then seeing Florence and the Machine for the fourth time to figuring out I can jump timelines right now.

Worry not about how it all might turn out, just give adventure a(nother) go. This is how I will find myself in New Zealand at the start of April ticking a bucket-list item. Whether it is plain stupid, or sheer luck shall turn out in retrospect. Check back here in a couple of months time.

Some people can be so cruel you know... would it be so hard to conjure up some understanding and stop being such an effin' know it all every minute of the day. I guess everyone just wants to be right. 

All I am is lightweight and misunderstood. Lightweight and misunderstood. Damn.

Here here - my wine drought is broken and once again Lil Uzi Vert along with Juice both be here to comfort me. Thanks pals.

With friends like these I swear, who needs enemies? (asking for a friend- ok i don't have any... asking for myself.)

Maybe it is time to move. On.

Yes yes I am still here. Past some trials and tribulations, a couple of quantum leaps and I am still here, still kicking.

Still listening to hip hop, still growing plants and young minds.

and it's still weird not knowing what is happening with you... weird, but whatever.

This day will go down in history as the day when Timothee Chalamet walked past me ...

The chances of bumping into Timothee Chalamet on the streets of Budapest are extremely low, but never zero. And if once you defy these statistics (for heaven's sake woman!!!!) at least try to rise to the occasion... (and say something!!!)

I am awkward as fuck and I still don't really believe in what I have to say should really exist out loud. This lesson needs to be revisited at another time again, bur for now it's an F, sit down!

In little more than a week I will be sitting 40000 feet above everyone's bullshit - time-travelling.

There is no predictable future, just the occasional gift of foresight, but that's just spooky. And I am walking with a foot in each world. 

alone I get so far, so fast

Sitting on the light blue couch yesterday I was acknowledged for the above deeply and strongly, it felt good. I continued to speak even more truth by saying yes, I have come a long way, but I have got so far to go. A little sweet, a little bitter; losses come in threes and it has been a funny season like that. 

Weird Goodbyes - The National

deep resonance

I just miss my dog...

Kaluga has passed

my heart is broken

06/02/2016 - 27/08/2022

... you go, best friend!

allow my middle fingie to grace you just one more time :,D

...It wasn't right
The way it all went down...

 ***  

Help, I'm still at the restaurant
Still sitting in a corner I haunt
Cross-legged in the dim light
They say, "What a sad sight"
I, I stayed there
Dust collected on my pinned-up hair
I'm sure that you got a wife out there
Kids and Christmas, but I'm unaware
'Cause I'm right where (you left me)
I cause no harm, mind my business
If our love died young, I can't bear witness
And it's been so long (feels so long - editor)
But if you ever think you got it wrong

I'm right (w)here 

The story of a very long week

Tuesday afternoon I found myself in yet another long staff meeting, being talked at by Dr Jared. This guy must breathe through his ears, as he just does not shut up, not even to take a moment of breath like normal humans do. After a rather long and busy, lunch-less day once again I was inundated with sciencey information on how the brain learns.

For most people concepts and skills learnt in one context can not be translated to another one due to the brain's habit of cataloging information in a specific way. Eat your heart out Dr Jared, I am not most people and your rule of thumb has no relevance in my operation.

By Friday afternoon me and the Year 11s laughed and cried together... from some very comical moments of questionable child (and teacher) safety to the sad sad story of Laika, we have managed to experience a whole palette of emotions within the 100 minutes set aside for the Cold War essay preparation. How is it that the sense of time is so relative; that often you live years within minutes and at times weeks or months go by so empty that you feel you have been stuck in the same age forever?

I guess what I am learning in skateboarding has a direct conceptual tale for the inner world I was given/co-creating... balance. My heart is learning the exact same concept as my knees and hips. What would Dr Jared think of this? Would he stop for a second to take a breath through his nose? Would I notice that breath so far away in Los Angeles delivered to me through thumb thick cables on the bottom of the ocean? 0.07 seconds as we learnt about it in Geography - that is how fast information travels from one continent to the other. 

"but I might"

is the most trustable encouragement I have ever come to think for myself...

I will keep at it