A good kisser. A caring friend. And her subjects are History and Geography.

But beyond the form there is a never changing light, watching everything. Turns out that what you see is what you get...there is no alter-ego in an altered state of mind. Just making a reminder, so I know what to flex if I ever have to.

I have been watching the Moon cycle closely. It all started with the Full Moon on the 1st of October.

October was the month of shooting my shots, a kind of season of sowing - of course I do know that we are constantly sowing and reaping, but October was particularly challenging in terms of putting myself out there. According to the law of averages the more you try the greater chance you have to succeed... eventually.

The patriarchy won this time, but I will let it slide and choose diplomacy. The topic of leadership will be revisited at a later time. It's ok, I can wait.

In terms of my choices of who I am attracted to are hardly my own choices. Some twisted childhood experience draws me close to those who would eventually mistreat me and I keep thinking that the red flags are there for decorations. HA. Eventhough I have relinquished this idea of thinking that I know what's best for me, the most unattainable characters seem the shiniest and I am just like a little moth who keeps banging its head against a lightbulb.

And finally the third shot: a home... if I pull this off I still don't think I can take full credit for it. It's been a series of fortunate events these 33 years (makes me smile to type this) and the next step could be the cherry on top.

So here is to being a humble farmer, tending to my crops. Never photographed the Moon, but the era of being taken for granted is over. I don't do vague anymore, I don't chase anymore, I don't seek out people who forget me. I don't apologise for things that I'm not responsible for, I don't say yes to everything either. I don't do vague anymore. This is not a hoop, but you couldn't jump it anyway.

It is beautiful, of course I have found it. I am a bloodhound for information, everyone knows that.

But this is impossible. The wall I have built is strong and protective and still, even now, I have so much anger and hurt... so much.

The problem is not that you don't know much about anything, but more like your inability to learn and your unwillingness to consider new perspectives. Your ways of thinking are so ingrained and ran on a monorail system that there was/is no way of opening it up to other possibilities. If you have something that is rare, you look after it... you don't toss it to the side when your cousins come to town.

It's ok you do things like the world does... like with fresh water... precious natural resource being wasted everyday and not nearly everyone has enough of it.

Calling me a friend is such a great insult. We both know that I was way more than that; I was way more than an ordinary lover or first girlfriend. It doesn't matter that I was your first friend; the reason is more important. The reason being: I was very willing, very forgiving, very invested... very loving. It made me so vulnerable that for a certain while, I was accustomed to the continuous aching. Everytime I felt like I was treated less than what I deserved it hurt me and because it happened so frequently, I guess it was the new normal. I needed a partner and I felt like I was let down repeatedly.

I'm sorry to say but it doesn't matter what you think you felt... your actions were very telling and it's my fault that I didn't listen to them sooner. I hoped they would change... that if I love you a little more, little better, you will see how great I am and you will love me too. I woke up everyday thinking, maybe today is the day that you will choose me over everything else... and of course most days ended with me accepting your excuses and supporting your priorities like your family. And everytime you told me not to come or said "you can come if you want" hurt me so much. It's hard to believe I was important to you at all.

So even though these songs are amazing and a small part of me is glad that you think I matter... the rest of me is still hurting, still angry and still has nightmares where your cousins or siblings rock up and you put me in the background. Until you give up thinking about yourself in this context, and you finally fully understand me and what I have been through especially as the person who I am.... this can never be repaired. And I'm okay with that... I'm okay if it stays like this forever. Very slowly, but it is fading.

Ghosts - whether living or dead, doesn't matter - only come to take; they have even less than nothing to give back.

I am surrounded by the dead and some living ghosts too. As I had been stripped back to the core as Shane said, I have at last learnt to also say no. Finally I am accessing an abundance of energy and light, not so much focusing on what the right thing is, but whatever I'm doing, I do it right. With joy.

I do have a habit of marching in and out of situations rather unconventionally. But also, what is with everybody wanting to be my friend? What would life be like for me if I had a brother?

Fun neuro-scientific fact: your brain doesn't distinguish between reality and imagination. So we all have a little piece of truth with us and of course we are all mad here too. If it is not the interactions with each other that break us, then it is the lack of them. The thing is that peace is overrated and you only notice it when it starts missing... what is it with the human condition that it's so damn hard to realise what is good for you? - and of course all of this is in retrospect. (How do you win the game?)

Okay well you can suck on it... the antonym of retrospect is prospect.

I have to find the in-between.

The world by no means reflects the peace and quiet I have inside. Although I am not an island of my own, I can be as far as possible from it all and within I take a break from the general human condition (uncertain, raging and short sighted).

We should verify Paul's thoughts in his books... the spiritual food I'm eating these days is feather light; it isn't milk and it isn't meat either. Dogma is a dangerous thing, even if it's intended for unity it actually brings more division. The Torah makes a compromise with biology in terms of the need to eat meat, but the first diet was always plant based and well, feather light. Philosophy and wisdom are too feather light and my heart is full, healthy and well fed.

If there is a time for sowing then there is a time for reaping too, and the harvest came to fill me up. The years I lost worrying and pacing are now being replenished with blissful and steady growth. This is how I have been looking after myself, and it's nice to know someone who has been doing the same too.

No one else can be our redeemer, but ourselves; however there is something noble and strong in travelling on the same path. Inspiring, if I may say so. Grown old, but not weary. Yes, sore at times but strong, resisting very little.

The quiet, but deep resonance of a piano cord released is almost palpable in my chest... it's slow and grounding, attesting my breath. Being able to hear this secondary sound makes me believe I have arrived somewhere important, somewhere safe... safe within.

 Well... it was the first pandemic of the century and you found me.

By now I have learnt to give up on the idea that I know what is best for me. The most transformative summer of my life has ended to give way to travel and thrill, and cancellations later on. Somehow though, you and I... we outsmarted the 2020 agenda. 

Defying the nationally prescribed social distancing measures and other statistical impossibilities, we established closeness. Isn't that what success is? Advancing despite adversity? Overcoming? Adapting? Making the most out of what you were given.

(I bury my face in my palms and quietly exhale as I whisper: fuck. me. sideways.)   I just sigh deeply as I look back on the past ten years and I'm thinking to myself, why even bother planning?

Ten years in this country.

I mean, you can't even make this (shit) up, it's that twisted. And somehow here we are, at the end making it the beginning of something new...

I don't usually trust communists, but Lenin once said "there are decades where nothing happens; and there are weeks where decades happen"... boy, do I know this! 

So serve me some stability will you? Can you? Otherwise I will just have to keep living these decades in weeks, and let me tell you that I have outlived a thousand cats with nine lives already... also, if you can, with a pinch of consistency on the side, thanks.

He paved paradise and put up a parking lot

Russell Brand, First Aid, Proximity, Pain, harmful pictures, pain, Eckhart Tolle, exhale, addiction,  painful Memories good and bad, tears, chest pain, running, panting, swimming, cold, more pain, learn from it already, avoid, wrap your hand around your soul, self love, healing, recognising the end of a decade, 30 %, bleeding, cramps bringing you to your knees, read, learn, read, learn, think better, stop thinking, threats from within, possessiveness, let go, letting go, peace, joy, healing, friends, celebrations, achievements, the woman I have become, to feel again, to love the right way, help trauma, cause none, help yourself, help others, dissolve the pain, have today, take one day at a time, inhale, light, connect, recovery, exhale...

find clarity, resist nothing, be present, connect with BEING, light it up, stay friends with Paul, learn, help, learn, help, learn, help...

The beauty of being a tumbleweed is that I have many homes... and how good is it to be loved eveywhere I go!

A longing satisfied gives birth to temporary happiness, and temporary happiness is better than none at all... but I am loved every where I go, so there is no reason to complain when one receives this gift.