It is beautiful, of course I have found it. I am a bloodhound for information, everyone knows that.

But this is impossible. The wall I have built is strong and protective and still, even now, I have so much anger and hurt... so much.

The problem is not that you don't know much about anything, but more like your inability to learn and your unwillingness to consider new perspectives. Your ways of thinking are so ingrained and ran on a monorail system that there was/is no way of opening it up to other possibilities. If you have something that is rare, you look after it... you don't toss it to the side when your cousins come to town.

It's ok you do things like the world does... like with fresh water... precious natural resource being wasted everyday and not nearly everyone has enough of it.

Calling me a friend is such a great insult. We both know that I was way more than that; I was way more than an ordinary lover or first girlfriend. It doesn't matter that I was your first friend; the reason is more important. The reason being: I was very willing, very forgiving, very invested... very loving. It made me so vulnerable that for a certain while, I was accustomed to the continuous aching. Everytime I felt like I was treated less than what I deserved it hurt me and because it happened so frequently, I guess it was the new normal. I needed a partner and I felt like I was let down repeatedly.

I'm sorry to say but it doesn't matter what you think you felt... your actions were very telling and it's my fault that I didn't listen to them sooner. I hoped they would change... that if I love you a little more, little better, you will see how great I am and you will love me too. I woke up everyday thinking, maybe today is the day that you will choose me over everything else... and of course most days ended with me accepting your excuses and supporting your priorities like your family. And everytime you told me not to come or said "you can come if you want" hurt me so much. It's hard to believe I was important to you at all.

So even though these songs are amazing and a small part of me is glad that you think I matter... the rest of me is still hurting, still angry and still has nightmares where your cousins or siblings rock up and you put me in the background. Until you give up thinking about yourself in this context, and you finally fully understand me and what I have been through especially as the person who I am.... this can never be repaired. And I'm okay with that... I'm okay if it stays like this forever. Very slowly, but it is fading.