I am not 21...in me. I have told before: I'm always late.

He was right when he said, I was a little girl. Actually that time I just got start relationship with deepness.

And now comes the bunch of what would happened if... questions.

If I chose someone else.

If I went to Med School.

If I never bilieved "the good always wins" stuff.

If I had broken bone.

If I have ever felt real pain.

I'm weak, that is the truth...and incorrect, and somewhere still a child. Yeah this is the regular (once in a half year) 'I think: I'm crap' day. To love me and pretend to do it, well in this world is almost the same. Acting, hazarding...pretending. Cause to much pain for yourself. I think everybody is wounded and frightened - and it's not just an european : we have seen the second World War stuff. It's just like to being human, to get know yourself, your borders. Just ask: who am I? And than unhappiness begins. I will never forget what he taught me, us... about looking for truth...

Always in uncertainity, always in trap. So he was right at that time... but now he wouldn't believe how the World have changed around me, and made me changed too. Scary and magnificent, exactly like growing up...

like growing to old...

I'm so pissed off! Turned out that my thesis has to be longer than 40thousand caracters...It has to be 60thousand. Now I'm totally speechless, just typing all day long and feel down :(

I missed my seminar today, wrote an email to the teacher about my future text (topic, structure, examples) and just hope that I'm gonna get through of it... Have plenty things to do , but I'm bored.

Last night was out of sharpness. We had one and half Jegermeister during a card game...bahhh I guess everybody was bored as much as me. So phatetic, reminds me of that empty days home, when we had nothing to do just having fun, and drinking a lot.

I feel empty now. I mean there is no homesick, no motivation (for today), no-thing. Hate this feeling. Oh yeah, and I'm angry about the thesis, about my Uni, and the mess here as well. Okay maybe I miss my backyard and the coffees what I had there, in the sunshine. And maybe I miss someone. No. I definietly miss someone, and in this case it's just not healthy.

Anyway. Today is my first real fast day, and It's almost over, just an exchibition and than I can go to bed... Take off Thursday! 

I meant to write something about giving hope and blablabla... but it would be cheap, and boring...

So I'm gonna write about my day. I started to practice English, and figured out that a downer (soothing,balmy whatever) would be useful. Yeah adrenalin is good for example when you are running (not on exams), but in my case adrenalin means mental fog...Am I nervous? What are you talking about? :D

After the second bowl of musli I went to Songsvann. I mean It was a rushy walking and running downhills. The wheater is fantastic (God, I'm writing about wheater - so pathetic), so the trip was fine and gave me some endorphin, which is good (yeah definitely better than adrenalin)...

The plan for today: I continue my big English education:) Then we are gonna go to the Free Market (Amatoren), then some alcohol (adrenalin...whatever?. trust in mankind stuff). Oh and we should call the lady from the casting agency... maybe tomorrow we earn some money...

Daily tasks as always: cleaning... But If Barth and I clean up the whole corridor, I will never touch any cleaning stuff again...for a while. (hidden message,Luke!)

Let make some self commercial...this iswhat is all about. The main question is WHY?

And now stop talking about accidents. It is not one of them. To get here was piss easy, the hardest part is coming now. To work out how to get further... Because of you. And because of me, of course. This is so like me. Choose the most impossible person with the most impossible destination, through many tasks. For example a language exam, for example on the third of April. 'Cause we don't have much time, and I'm always late.

It's you, and not by an accident, I'm not sure what makes me think this, and what makes you so perfect. Perfect. For me particularly.

So I change language for a while, to prepare for the writing part of the exam. Then I'm gonna write a real statement of purpose for La Trobe, and another one for Endeavour. And than who knows? It was always me: the purpose to travel, to make changes in my life and believe in love. Or in fairy tales, and protagonists who made it.

Dorothy,Frodo,the Pevensie brothers and sisters,Giselle,Bella Swan,Wall-e and everybody who believed or wanted to believe in a trip or something what ever led somewhere...