You and I might be kindred spirits in a parallel universe... yet you have always been the keeper of my passwords; how can I ever thank you for your service? But then I think about your truth that you misled me with, and I understand that we are looking at the same darkness... but from different vantage points.

paradoxes are very business-like,  very corporate.... and for good or for bad, there’s a layer of human that is always always alone.

Do no harm

Stop imagining the future - If you haven't already worked it out, most of the time it doesn't resemble anything you thought it would

You reap what you sow - you are constantly reaping and sowing, sowing and reaping! It's time to stop ignoring this age old truth and take responsibility (see below). At any given time you are dealing with consequences and engaging in actions that will breed more consequences. Let regrets only teach you lessons, but do not wallow in them... use them to make your current sowing better and more effective, useful for others and praiseworthy. Do your best dealing with the consequences by keeping in mind the items above.

Stop blaming others for the way you feel - how you feel is the result of your thoughts; thinking is one of the very few things in life that you are in control of...this leads us to our next item.

Take responsibility - take responsibility for your thoughts, for your actions, for your decisions, for yourself. This is a one man job, one boss who is also the employee, so do your job and if you can help it, do it well!

Stop expecting others to make you feel better - nobody will save you, except Jesus (he has already)... so to get through this life alright you have to learn to make yourself feel better and never quit doing it. In any way you can you must care for yourself, keep yourself company, feed yourself and cheer yourself up. If you are finding it hard, ask God for help, but at all times remember the first item: DO NO HARM. Making yourself feel better should only involve other people if it's for their own good, not yours... otherwise you end up doing harm.

Help others - do not give a kick just because you got one... it will bite you back tenfolds. Help others because they are in this with you, suffering just as much if not more. You don't know what's going on upstairs (next item), so just do your best to be a blessing in others' lives.

Stop assuming things - just because you think or feel it, it's not necessarily true! Take no part in gossip, observe more, gather facts and stop connecting dots where there is no real meaning regarding you. You don't know what's going on upstairs in others, so stop pretending that you do. 

Do not indulge your insecurities - this goes hand in hand with assuming things, together they form your anxiety and give you heart and chest ache. If you find yourself assuming - imagining - feeling insecure (you would call it thinking) just stop and be (breathe, watch, listen, feel in the present moment).

Do not put on the cloak of bitterness - never works in the long run and overrides the items above. Once again: it does not work. Do Not Do It! Remember what happened when you did it... an effin' catastrophe! So do not do it! Never works.

Make haste slowly - considering everything above and the fact that you can't really trust your mind or feelings, it is important to slow down, observe, ask God for guidance and be a lady. Not a mop, a dog or a raging dragon. Just make haste slowly, do nothing instead of doing anything... by now you are aware of the wisdom that states this clearly so top ignoring it.

How is it possible to sit here and be reminiscing about old time trauma and pain for comfort?

My first winter in Omeo was the toughest time of my entire life up until then, laying in bed so sick that I was unable to take care of my animals or myself for that matter... it was lonely and painful, but somehow I survived. I long for that pain, this is impossible... the memory of that time is an old friend right now, offering comfort. 

I long for that time... that time when so many things just simply didn't exist: no Sabbaths, no polish lunches, no gadowskies, or sign language or the worry over belonging.... there were no let downs, no questions, no unrequited love and no chest pain. This fucking chest pain (God, forgive me).

So I just take it one day at a time, one foot after the other hoping that everything will hurt a little less and if it's supposed to be, maybe one day I cross paths with a Finn. Even better: if that happens, I hope to have my wits about me to recognize and appreciate it.

Strength comes from muscle pain...

... the heart is a muscle...

go figure

The only thing I can give you (the only thing you let me give you) is time... my time is yours. So are my thoughts, my affection, my loyalty, my understanding and my friendship. You have my love.

Please come back to me...

"You have to continue building a bigger life" - she said it softly and I wanted to laugh: "Lady, you kidding me? How much bigger should it be?"

160centimeters and 46kilograms

In an alternate universe I would have been a very successful mathematician. Very successful. I have solved all the problems I ever came across right up until now, but this time the conundrum out did me...

How can I feel like I'm jogging straight to the top of the world and getting mangled in a train crash all within the same day? 

no need to try hard

Whatever it was, I want it too...

Jealousy is the intolerance of rivalry. However, the chase is over. It's over.

Driving home, the valley was running along with my car as the golden sunset covered it like a blanket that warms you up from head to toe. Do I really want it all? All that I have been shaking for? Do I really want it...?

In fact I enjoyed the mystery of the thick fog during the early morning drives to school. I get to this conclusion every single time: unpredictability is more preferred than predictability. So then what fooled me?

Does familiarity breed contempt?

The chase is over.

Unsz már engem, tudom jól és mindig haragszol rám... talán csak a lelkiismeret furdalásod nem hagy végre távozni.

Neked azért könnyebb, érted már sorban állnak és a felhozatal nem is olyan rossz.

Ha lenne egy Kálmánka, én most biztos pofán verném azt a pincsit.

Here I am sitting on my floor consuming my lunch: a cup of coffee. The last day of holidays is just as bitter and lonely as most of its days were... And just like the fool with the little white dog, I'm about to leap off the cliff into the unknown. The advice I was given is to have faith, because good things come to good people... good enough people...goodness and the pretties, they don't matter. I don't matter... not enough.

The truth is that what I imagined and dreamed of as a possible future was so much better than this reality. I even wrote it down, my expectations, loud and clear... but the bottom line is that you can't make someone want you and because you want them (so very bad) it doesn't mean they want you back automatically.

This void in my chest is aching. It's an anchor so heavy, I'm scared it will drag me down before the leap off. I should do some work, so I don't end up taking a knife to a gunfight. I am the fool with the little white dog... it can be a good thing you know.